What is psychotherapy?

If you’re reading this, there’s a good chance you’ve already tried thinking about your problem and resolving to “do better”. You’ve probably analysed it, tried to be rational, you might have tried gratitude journaling, and you may have even locked eyes with yourself in the mirror and told yourself to get a grip.

And yet…except the odd period of reprieve, it keeps happening.

Psychotherapy is a way of working with that.

I won’t give you motivational speeches, or yet another new set of Commandments or rules.

I will help you to understand what is happening, which gives you the opportunity to change it and make better decisions.

Essentially, we will increase the space between stimulus and response.

This is the simple definition:

Psychotherapy is a structured, confidential process designed to help with psychological change, whatever that might mean for you.

And the reason it works is also simple:

When you can see yourself clearly, and feel what’s going on, you stop acting in autopilot.

You get more choice.

What it is

Psychotherapy isn’t just “talking about your feelings”.

Psychotherapy is a relationship with a purpose. It isn’t a chat with a friend, or advice giving, or a place for endless reassurance.

It’s a regular time and place where we slow things down and look closely at what’s happening in your inner world and your relationships – especially the parts that are automatic, confusing, or hard to put into words.

You can bring anything: anxiety, low mood, anger, shame, burnout, relationship conflict, sexual disconnection, compulsive habits, grief, loss of direction, feeling numb, feeling too much.

Sometimes you’ll arrive with a clear “presenting problem”. Sometimes you’ll arrive with a feeling: Something isn’t right. I’m not myself. I’m stuck.

Both are good places to start.

What it does

Most people don’t need more information. If that was the problem, most likely everything would have been sorted shortly after the invention of the internet, and there would be no such thing as psychotherapy.

What you need is a different experience of yourself.

Here’s what psychotherapy tends to do, over time:

1) It helps you notice what you do automatically

Think of the moment it goes wrong. Maybe you perceive that your husband/wife has given you the silent treatment, or you’ve found yourself reaching for the distractions when you’re stressed: alcohol, porn, food, social media, etc.

Anything to make you feel a bit better.

Psychotherapy shines a light on this sequence so that you can spot it as it happens:

• What happens in your body?

• What thought flashes through your mind?

• What feeling is there for half a second before you shut it down?

• What do you do next – argue, withdraw, appease, control, disappear?

As Jung once said: until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.

2) It helps you understand the function of the pattern

Most coping strategies started as solutions.

Shutting down might have protected you from conflict, people-pleasing might have kept you safe, and perfectionism might have been the only way to feel acceptable.

We will respect the origin of these behaviours while also acknowledging that maybe they don’t work as they once did.

It asks:

What are they costing you now?

Probably, what once protected you became the very thing that keeps you stuck.

3) It helps you feel what you avoid

This is where real change often begins.

Not with “positive thinking”, but with the capacity to stay present with difficult feelings without being hijacked by them.

As the capacity feel disavowed emotions like grief, anger, fear, and shame grows, people often describe feeling more solid, more emotionally alive, and less reactive.

4) It helps you change how you relate

A lot of suffering is relational.

The fear of being rejected, conflict, disappointing people, being seen, etc.

These fears shape how you behave with others. And those behaviours create predictable outcomes: distance, resentment, loneliness, mistrust, cycles you can’t seem to break.

Its my job as your therapist to notice these things and bring them to your attention. I’m counting on you to mess up in the same ways in the room as you do out of it, we can then discuss what’s happened between us. That is how progress is made.

What it does for you

Now imagine a familiar moment.

You’re in the kitchen, it’s late, and your boss has given you an earful for missing an arbitrary deadline.

Your husband/wife says something that rubs you up the wrong way and you’ve felt a heat rise up from your gut.

In the past, the next part was automatic:

Maybe you’d snap, or withdraw, or maybe you’d just give in and apologise thus beginning a feeling of resentment that lasts days.

The goal is partly to create space between the trigger and the reaction so that you can make different decisions.

You might still feel those same urges, but you will be able to stay present, you can maybe think about what’s going on with yourself, your husband/wife, and between you. You can choose to either hold the space for them if they’re struggling or you can draw a boundary. The point is that it would be a choice, not a reflex.

That’s what people often mean when they say therapy changed their life.

What working with me is like

I’m warm and human, and I’m also serious about the work.

We’ll go at your pace, and occasionally if I think we are circling something, I will give you a nudge in that direction if necessary.

I’ll listen, I’ll ask some questions, offer some interpretations, but most importantly, I’ll treat you with the respect you deserve.

The next step

If you’re tired of repeating the same cycle – whether that’s anxiety, anger, shutdown, conflict, loneliness, compulsive habits, or a quiet sense that life has narrowed – psychotherapy can help.

The first step is a brief conversation to see if we’re a fit.

If it feels right, contact me to arrange an initial consultation.